How I found God through my darkest times...
My Life started off with a fight. Although I may not have known it, God was creating a little fighter. Born almost 3 months early (and the only one out of 5 children premature) my parents had to be constantly prepared for the worst.
My Mum was only 18, and I cant imagine how she would have felt. I had blood poisoning and my lungs had collapsed and I was flown to Monash Medical where my chances of survival were pretty slim. My parents would send milk on the train, and when they would visit, the cribs next to me would either be empty or have a different baby the next time they visited... Long story short, I survived and here I am, 28 years young!
“Who was I kidding! I didn't need Him.”
With this in mind, I always think I am meant to be here. I have a purpose, and only God knows what that is - and He will show me!...
I grew up in a very "strict" christian household. Everything seemed normal though. 2009 our family had a huge shake up, and things came crashing down quickly. My parents separated and we were caught in the middle of our parents battle. In amongst the stress of finishing year 12, being the sounding board for my Dad and having burdens on my shoulders that were too much for me to carry I left home. I had my "way out". I had met someone. We were young and naive, but i didn't have much time to think about this and little did we know, the next 7 years would teach us life lessons that we didn't see coming.
September 2010 I found out I was pregnant with my son. The first Grandchild. I tried so desperately to reconnect with my mum in those 9 months. I can admit, that around this time I hadn't given God any thought. Who was i kidding! I didn't need Him. Everything seemed fine.
June 02, 2011 My son was born. My Mum and Dad were right there with me in the delivery room. Even though you could cut the air with a knife...My Mum, at 38 was Grandmother for the first time! And a perfect one she was... June 12, she turned 39. Nothing prepared me for what would happen next... 2 weeks later!
June 26, 2011; I had been up all hours of the night with a newborn. I had my Dad living with me with a broken ankle. My phone was ringing and i couldn't be bothered answering it. But the ringing wouldn't stop. Finally I answered. It was my sister on the other end. "Mums Dead"...silence... "Mum committed suicide"... That was it. I threw my phone. I ran in to where Dad was sleeping. I sat on his bed and started shaking and crying uncontrollably.. and when I caught my breath, I told Dad what happened... the air around me felt so cold. Ice cold. I felt so empty. Automatically i blamed God. Why did He allow this to happen! Hadn't our family been through enough?
Days and weeks, months and years rolled by. I had another baby, to make up for the emptiness I experienced with my first baby. I had missed out on those precious first years due to postnatal depression. I found it hard to connect with the baby that was supposed to bring so much joy and happiness to his grandparents.
I felt empty and lost. I went back to church but didn't really commit to it. And the excuses as to why I couldn't go outweighed the need to go. I stopped going again, and just fumbled along sitting on the fence and being a "sometimes Christian". Just when it suited me. I look back and God was pressing on my heart. He was the still small voice in my ear.
After 7 years of battling this, I had a breakdown in my relationship. Everything got too much, we had both changed and there wasn't anything holding us together anymore. The kids were looking sick because of the tension and negative energy in the household, and I was that depressed by it all that I considered suicide. I used to think about it constantly. The only thing holding me together was my two children!I knew i couldn't let them go through the same pain of losing a parent this way.
March 2016 I left. Remember I was only 18 when I left home. I wasn't world wise. I had no clue what I was doing. For the next 3 months I endured so much. I was practically living out of my car. Without going into too much detail, I finally hit rock bottom. My relationship with my dad broke down. He was still harbouring too much negativity and hate. We drifted apart and I needed to get away again. I prayed for help. Prayed for guidance. Prayed for my life to have some sort of security and stability. For the sake of the kids really.
God answered my prayers! I found a house, the kids were finally secure and had their own beds to sleep in, their own place to call home. In the midst of all this I met someone.Someone just as broken as I was. Someone who didn't have much, and was going down a path that could only end badly. We both pulled each other out of our dark places. We just clicked. Again, I forgot God. And what He had done for me. I felt everything was fine again. I slowly build a relationship with my dad, although it wasn't ever the same.
September 2017, My Dad suddenly passed away. Again I was turning straight to God and saying "What now! Why this"... The same feeling of emptiness filled me. With both parents now gone, what was I to do now? There were many trials after he passed away. Many times I broke down and thought life was unfair. But through it all God came through. He took my family and I out of situations that didn't bring us happiness.
Fast Forward to today, I am Married. Married to a man who provides and cares for my children and I. We have what we need. Most importantly we have each other. I have amazing friends. Old and New. Friends who have become family. I am working on my walk with God everyday. I have found my live for writing. It keeps me connected to God.
My Children absolutely love Jesus with all their hearts, which is a delight to watch. There will always be trials. There will always be moments where we are brought back to our knees, but that is the absolute beauty of God and His love! He never leaves us! If anything, We leave Him, and He always brings us back.
Hope my testimony blesses someone.
Mary
xx